Week 7 past the miscarriage and still I can't move forward to where I want to be. I lost my pregnancy at 5 1/2 weeks. This was to be our fourth child.
There were months of deliberation over whether to try again and add another person to our full house. I won the arguement and brought my husband around. We
were trying for about 6 months and finally on a fluke check of a pregnancy I found my faint line. I took three more tests just to be sure. Then after one week
of letting my joy settle in I started bleeding. My husband assured me I bled in my other three pregnancies and everything would be fine. I trusted that but in
my heart I knew something was wrong. As the day progressed I went to the ER to be sure. They confirmed that my pregnancy was lost.
The only word that I can think of to describe it at the time was relief. I was relieved that my worst fears came true and I didn't have to wonder anymore that day. But, once the relief wore off I went into complete shock. I couldn't believe how unfair it was that I lost this pregnancy. I had fought over a year to get my husband and I on the same page. I waited six more months of trying and failing. My acne came and the weight gain because I got off the pill. I looked a wreck but it would all be worth it to hold my new baby. But, here it was, my sick reality that it wouldn't be happening. All of this mess for NOTHING.
As if that reality weren't enough, the next day my best friend gave birth to a baby girl. I was so happy for her, or at least I pretended to be, but inside I have never felt so empty. My brother had his beautiful baby a week earlier. My other brother was due in 5 weeks. Just had the baby boy 8 days ago. So here I sit, sadness and empty.
I have friends who have been through this. I have heard and said it all before. "It was meant to be." The baby could have been ill" "You will realize it wasn't the right timing" blah blah blah.
I have spent the last 6 weeks grieving for my loss, enjoying all I am blessed with in my other 3 children and thinking maybe I was greedy for wanting more.
But, still I want....I am so scared though. I don't want to go through this again. Also, what if I AM being greedy and I will be punished with a sick or disabled child. I want my guarantee that this was my pain to bare and that was it. I want a signed affidavit from G-d that I will have a healthy child. I know that's absurd and I can't have that. I know that my children are blessings and I should feel fulfilled. But, I can't shake the need to have another.
I wish I had answers - I ask my friends and they don't have any words to help me. They focus on redoing kitchens or playing with their newborns. My sister-in-laws now both new mothers have been cold and insensitive. So here I am, turning to internet anonymity for love and support.
Please give me answers....
The only word that I can think of to describe it at the time was relief. I was relieved that my worst fears came true and I didn't have to wonder anymore that day. But, once the relief wore off I went into complete shock. I couldn't believe how unfair it was that I lost this pregnancy. I had fought over a year to get my husband and I on the same page. I waited six more months of trying and failing. My acne came and the weight gain because I got off the pill. I looked a wreck but it would all be worth it to hold my new baby. But, here it was, my sick reality that it wouldn't be happening. All of this mess for NOTHING.
As if that reality weren't enough, the next day my best friend gave birth to a baby girl. I was so happy for her, or at least I pretended to be, but inside I have never felt so empty. My brother had his beautiful baby a week earlier. My other brother was due in 5 weeks. Just had the baby boy 8 days ago. So here I sit, sadness and empty.
I have friends who have been through this. I have heard and said it all before. "It was meant to be." The baby could have been ill" "You will realize it wasn't the right timing" blah blah blah.
I have spent the last 6 weeks grieving for my loss, enjoying all I am blessed with in my other 3 children and thinking maybe I was greedy for wanting more.
But, still I want....I am so scared though. I don't want to go through this again. Also, what if I AM being greedy and I will be punished with a sick or disabled child. I want my guarantee that this was my pain to bare and that was it. I want a signed affidavit from G-d that I will have a healthy child. I know that's absurd and I can't have that. I know that my children are blessings and I should feel fulfilled. But, I can't shake the need to have another.
I wish I had answers - I ask my friends and they don't have any words to help me. They focus on redoing kitchens or playing with their newborns. My sister-in-laws now both new mothers have been cold and insensitive. So here I am, turning to internet anonymity for love and support.
Please give me answers....
