Let me start this by introducing myself and giving you some background information. My name is Kelby, I am a 21 year old Canadian. I found out that I was 4 weeks pregnant in the middle of September 2012. This happened to be about 2.5 weeks before I left to go backpacking around Europe with my boyfriend. My boyfriends name is Alex. We have been together for almost 2 years and he is the love of my life I am so grateful to have found him. He's the most wonderful, supportive, caring, beautiful person out there. I remember going over to Alex's house and having to tell him that I was pregnant. I remember the weeks before that I had gotten drunk and told him that something was wrong and that I felt like I was pregnant because I had just had my period but my breasts continued to hurt. He brushed it off as "oh Kelby you're just drunk and you worry too much about that stuff it'll be fine" ... well oops that time I was right. I had been on the pill and had missed one pill by about 2 hours. I guess that pill does make a huge difference in things.
Now lets fast forward to Europe. I had been feeling crampy the whole time while being pregnant, so the day it happened it wasn't anything out of the norm for me. There was some blood too but that had been a reoccurring thing though out the pregnancy too. The morning of October 11th 2012 we set off from Brussels and were on our way to Amsterdam. While on the train I got very uncomfortable so I went up to the washroom to just go and go have a look. When I got into the washroom and looked down at the toilet paper I saw that it was covered in blood and right there and then I knew it was a miscarriage there was no doubt in my mind. I went back to my seat where Alex had been sitting the whole time, with an elderly Dutch man sitting beside us. I got out my phone and wrote in the notepad "I think somethings wrong.. there's so much blood" I passed that to Alex and he read it. The look on his face will be embedded in my mind forever. It looked like horror, shock, relief and confusion. He said everything would be okay. I got up again and went into the washroom, but this time it was worse. That's when I saw it. I saw the embryo and sac. I immediately freaked out and flushed it down the toilet. I went back to my seat and started to bawl because I knew this was the end. When we got to Amsterdam I was in a complete panic; when we got to our hostel I went and found place where I could make a phone call back to Canada. My father didn't know anything about the pregnancy so when he picked up the phone and I asked to talk to my mom he knew something was wrong.
My mom told me to go to the hospital immediately. By this point I was in a complete panic and so was Alex. At the subway station is when I got hysterical there was blood running down my legs and blood everywhere and just horrific cramps. Of course I was getting stares by all these foreign people but I didn't care I just needed to get to the hospital to get checked out. Once we got off the train and to the hospital something weird happened. I just stopped and looked at the ducks and said "look at how weird they look" It must have been from lack of blood or shock I don't even know what possessed me to just stop and say that. The dutch hospital was amazing, I only had to wait about 5 minuets and I was in. I had to be taken up to a special unit where they would check me. They made me pee in a dish and they checked it to see if I was pregnant, which I was. Then they did an internal ultrasound. They did confirm that I did have a miscarriage and that there was still blood in my uterus so I would be bleeding for a couple of days. They also took blood work and told me to come back in 2 days for more blood work and confirm that the pregnancy hormone had gone down. We went back on the Saturday and did more blood work and another internal ultrasound. That's where my world came crashing down.. it was 100% a miscarriage.
I wasn't sad the first couple of days; it was more like all the hormones going down which made me an emotional wreck so I just cried at random things. I also began to see babies everywhere which began to upset and piss me off. Being sad didn't hit me until we got home. We got home on October 18th 2012.
Now that its been a month and I've had time to just sit and digest things it makes me really sad that it happened to me. I don't understand why it happened to me. We would have given this baby the best life we could have and it would have had so much love by everyone. It almost like I'm jealous of other people who have had pregnancies, but at the same time I'm not jealous because I still have so much time in my life to have a child and there's so much more I want to do in life before I have kids. It just makes me so sad sometimes because its the one thing that a woman is supposed to do; have a child. And I can't even do that.. it makes me feel like less of a women and that its hopeless to have a child. I haven't really talked to anyone about it besides Alex and he has been MORE then supportive and a great listener and trying to understand what I'm going through. He's been more then amazing this past month and I can't even start to thank him about how great he has been because words can't even express how grateful I am for having him.
Sometimes I just get an overwhelming amount of grief and sadness and I can't shake it for hours or even days. It feels like I'm the only one in the world who understands what I'm going through and that I'm just so lonely. I cry almost every night about something that was barely there and that was hardly mine. I just want things to get better and I want to forget about this for now and continue on whit my life and not be so sad anymore. When is this all going to stop? when am I going to feel "normal" again. When am I going to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. Please help me with this I'm stuck as to what to do next