Hi everyone. I'm new to this website and have no idea how it works yet so I hope i'm posting in the right place. This is the first time i've actually opened up since we found ourself in this position but I guess sharing my story to others who can relate may help.
So first my name is Georgia and i'm nearly 17 from London. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and we've been through so much in a very short time of being together including losing our baby. He is soon to be 19. Well I found out on friday 13th April that I was pregnant, and yes that was such an unlucky day for us! Ofcourse the pregnancy wasn't planned with us being so young but from the moment we knew of our babies existence, we loved her/him more than anything. We had a few things on our side too. We could fully support ourselves and our baby as we both work, and our little one would never have wanted for anything. Anyway, we was both scared at first as this is such a big thing but there wasn't a moment where we wished this on somebody else. We was so happy from the word go.. So my pregnancy was going fine at first, despite having a bad feeling from the very start (for some weird reason) I just couldn't shake the fact that something was going to go wrong! I started to bleed at 7 and a half weeks pregnant, the blood wasn't bright red but it was clearly blood and there was nothing like the amount of a period. We was all frantic and I had been refused a scan so many times but I put my foot down and demanded one (soooo glad I did now!!) Finally they booked me in and my scan was on Monday 13th May. I was worried for the few days I had to wait until my appointment finally turned up. I lied on the bed for an internal scan and held my boyfriends hand, I couldn't bare to look at the screen or even look at the lady in fear that she'd say those words.. but instead she told me to look at the screen! I looked up and already my baby had a nose, chin, and a little body! I was measuring 8 weeks and 1 day. We could clearly see babies heartbeat fluttering away and from the moment on I just felt on top of the world! To think that me and my boyfriend created that tiny little baby was magic.
After our scan, I still worried about miscarriage and everything else. The sonographer told us that the chance of miscarriage does fall to just 2% after seeing the heartbeat and ofcourse you think everything's set in stone after hearing that. Me and OH went out and brought loads of essential stuff after getting the all clear. We got a sterilizer package which included bottle warmers and lots of extras in with it. Also babygrows, vests, a baby bag and some more stuff. We ended up spending about £200 in babies r us. Well finally my 12 week scan day arrived on June.7! Me and OH were both so excited to see our baby again and my mum also came this time. Normally in the hospital (and probably most of them around the world) they take so long to call you (I had to wait 40 mins after my appointment time for my 8 week emergency scan!) but this time at my 12 week one, they called me as soon as I sat down. It all just seemed really weird as if they knew something. So then we walked into the room and I was relieved to see a normal scan bed rather than another internal one. I lied down and then she put the thing on my stomach, and I looked at the screen. The baby had lost its shape completely, there was no little nose, chin or body anymore. No heartbeat fluttering away like we first saw. If I had to find the words to describe it then i'd say he/she just looked like a rock, laying there totally still. I knew there was something wrong as soon as the screen came on. My mum also knew, but she didn't want to believe it. Nobody was saying anything, it was so quiet! Then the lady said "Okay, Georgia, i'm so sorry. Baby has made no progress from the scan at 8 weeks and there's been no further development or growth, this is what we call a missed miscarriage". I looked at her like she had four heads.. I couldn't believe what she just said and tears rolled down my face! one after the other. It made no sense that my baby had died literally a few hours after my first scan when everything looked so perfect. It also hurts to think that me and OH walked around so happy for the next 4 weeks after the first scan, yet our baby was dead inside me (little did we know.) My OH is a guy, he has no idea about things like that. Even when me and my mum was sat there looking at the screen knowing there was something wrong, he sat there smiling because they just don't understand like us girls do. We all just fell on each other and bawled. The 'EPU Sister' then came in and spoke to us about the possible causes and what to do now. I honestly had no idea that 3 people could walk in a hospital SO happy and walk out like the world has just come to an end. It all seemed wrong that I was sat having to make a choice of how to pass my baby, rather than walking out smiling at a scan picture. We all went home and I decided to go with the medical procedure which they booked me in for 5 days later on the 12th June. For the next 5 days after finding out, I just walked around like a zombie! OH still had to go into work and I didn't want to go out, didn't want to do anything except think about my angel. I had my operation and I must admit the pills they give you to dilate your cervix was the worst pain i'd ever felt in my entire life! I'm glad I went with the medical route but I had no idea they would cause me so much pain. I woke up from the procedure feeling so empty, because although I knew for 5 days that baby was still inside me but dead, it was still so comforting to know my angel was there with me. I bled for about an hour after the operation and absolutely none after that. I didn't have any painkillers during the procedure and none when I came back around, which was good. I had to stay at the hospital for an extra 9 hours on top of what I should have done as my blood pressure was dropping really low and they worried badly but then it picked up a little and I finally left. I looked up at the hospital as we drove out and just knowing that my baby was in there somewhere, it killed me. I cried non stop for about a week or maybe more after that, it was all too much. A couple of the ladies in the hospital said to me "it's so much for a 16 year old to go through, you're very brave!" and that just made me cry even more!
It's now been 18 days since I first found out about our baby (feels like 18 years), and 13 days since my operation. I can definitely say it's gotten so much easier since it all first happened. I do find myself smiling again and feeling somewhat normal after everything that's gone on. There's not a day that passes where I don't think about my angel and I do have a bad day here and there. I torture myself sometimes by thinking what could have been for me and my boyfriend. I know he would have been an amazing dad, he never stopped talking about our baby, ever. We obviously didn't know the sex but from day 1, I kept having dreams of it being a girl and even that I gave birth to a girl. Every single person that we told (family and a few friends) said that it would be a girl and not one person ever said boy. We had the name Layla picked out for a girl so that's what we call our angel. I got a copy printed out of our first scan picture where our little Layla looked like a proper baby and then I went to 'build-a-bear factory' to make a bear. After the bear got stuffed, I asked the woman if I could put something in there, so I put the scan picture inside, rolled up with an elastic band round it along with a little red heart that they give you She then sewed it up.. I love that bear so much! Whenever I think about our baby, I just sit and cuddle it.. it's probably caught more of my tears than anything ever has but it's such a comfort. My friend made a little remembrance thing for me too which I got put on a canvas and it's on the wall now. I'll attach it to this post. Sorry this has turned out to be so long, I never intended for it to be this long. I am fully aware that people have been through so much worse when it comes to pregnancies and anybody that goes through any kind of loss is such a strong person and I admire you all. I never thought I could get through something like this but I guess it's times like this where we find out our strengths. If anyone relates to this and wants to chat then i'm willing to do so.
Thanks for listening xx