Hi my name is clarissa n I'll give u a little of back story...me n my boyfriend have been together for five years n lived together for two so it's
natural that I would want a family... We stopped taking birth control to let whatever is supposed to happen happen ... N on march first I found out that I was
expecting ... I have never been so happy n nervous in my life ... When me n john ( my boyfriend) talked I asked if he was mad or upset at all n he said no he
said he thought he was ready n that it was motivating him to do a lot more with his life ... I'll take the time now to say that we both work full time n
I'm in college but I decided that I would take online classes for awhile n I began getting everything in place my maturnity leave , drs appointments,
school, ect... John n I were happy we have had our problems in the past as all couples do but he was excited n we were spending a lot of time together.. We
told all our family n friends... We were both prepared to give this baby everything it needed ... For easter the baby got a basket n for the first time in a
long time john looked at me n said I was beautiful !!! He took care of me got me food when I was hungry n told me he loved the baby already as did I .... Then
on April fifteenth I had my first ultrasound.... We were sitting there n the ultrasound tech just looked at the computer as I tryed to make out small circles
in my uterus ... N I'll never forget the stupid comment I made I said jokingly to john that we already lost the baby...lost as in can not find .... The
only thing she said as she printed the pics was that she had to find a dr to review them ... I was scared n looked at john I told him what if something is
wrong he shrugged his shoulders n said it's fine ... The tech came in n said she couldn't find the dr but sorry your baby didn't make n leave when
your ready ... I was shocked !!! I couldn't believe it was nothing to her I began to cry this is the one thing in the world that I wanted ... N she just
shrugged her shoulders ... When we left john was very unsupportive of my feelings I called my mom crying n he said u need to calm down he was even nice enough
to make me get down n pay a bill of his minutes after this happened.... I was alone the next day at home john was at work n I was lost ... I called n got
another ultrasond they told me I could be earlier then the ten weeks we thought so I went n this time it showed twins but no heartbeats my heart broke again I
prayed for a week between the two ultrasounds that god spare this baby well now babies of mine .... I was given a d&c that Friday ... Before the surgery
john didn't even wanna hug m goodbye...after I had to wait hours for him to get me my pills...I was in so much pain n hurt ... The pain went on for a week
the craps were awful I was pissed that all this blood all this pain n I had nothing to show for it my babies were dead!!!! The one thing that kept me going was
knowing I could try again soon not that another baby could ever take the place of the two angels I lost but I wanted a family ...when all of a sudden I got a
bomb dropped on me john said he didn't want to try again ... I could scream ... I have been having a really hard time n he tells me that I need to get over
this already it's been two weeks since my surgery ... N the only this g I have is this board to read to no that I'm not alone ...john has yet to give
me a hug n say I'm sorry or I love u ...I asked him the other day for a hug n he told me I was a moron ...he says that he wasn't happy before n all
this stuff when I was pregnant he said it's not like I got to hold them but he don't get that my body was different n I already felt like a mom ... He
tells me I need to snap out of it already n I act like a dumb %%#%$ for missing my babies ... I'm hurting n I'm sleeping on the couch for something
that happened that was beyond my control n I have to see him with our baby nephews all happy n playing with them while I sit back watching empty!!!! I no some
of u r thinking well he didn't get to hold it n that's how he feels n sees that he is a dad ...but he should at least be supportive not a complete jerk
... I do a lot for this guy I stand by him as much as I can I do as much as I can to keep him happy n take care of him when he is hurt but he isn't
treating me with any love at all ... Some people say that is him grieving but it's not that's john ...he has never even experienced a death in the
family ... It sounds like I'm just complaining but I loved my babies they are my heart they were the one thing in this world that would have loved me for
me ... How could I go from the most amazing high to the lowest of low ??? I'm really a good person n I don't deserve to be treated this way ....but I
need his support n comfort right now.... With mothers day a day away I find myself asking if im a mom ...? I dnt no ... All I no is that I have two angels n
heaven n I want them so much sometimes it scares me .... I don't no what to so john tells me that a lot of people go threw this but it doesn't make it
hurt any less ... I'm sorry to everyone that I have a heart n I can't just forget this precious gift that was givin to me n so horribly thrown away ...
I no I'm not going to be given any mothers day gifts but I decided I would get a tattoo honoring my twins ... I'm scared I no john will hate me for it
he said he hates me cause he has to deal with me I dnt wanna give h another reason to treat me bad but I really want my babies in heaven to know I love them n
I want something I can see everyday to know that I am strong .... I'm sorry so long I just need some advice maybe from all of u amazing woman that have
gone n are still going threw the hurt n pain that I am !!!! God holds all of our babies n a special garden...I pray that we all will be able to have babies
after this but always remember the ones we lost n appreciate them that much more n for all that have since had children I pray they will alwAys be well ...
Happy mothers day to all of us who are proud mothers to perfect angels n heaven !!!
