Hello, my name is Leyhsa. Our sweet baby died at 12 1/2 weeks on Monday, April 6th. I went in for a routine ultrasound to check the likelihood of
Down's Syndrome and was expecting to have an hour long scan and a blood test afterward. Within the first few minutes, the sonographer turned off the
scanner and said that she had to get the doctor. When he came into the room he asked how many pregnancies I had had. This was my fourth. He said that there
was a massive blood clot inside my uterus and then said that they could not detect a heartbeat and that the baby must have just past away as they had dated him
or her to that day. I knew that it must have been recent as I had just gone to the obstetrician's office on the previous Friday, just a few days before,
and saw a nurse (as my doctor wasn't in that day) due to a terrible fever, illness, and trouble since I'd had massive hemorrhaging and cramping on
Wednesday, March 25th. At the Friday appointment the nurse got the Doppler out and we heard the heart beat. She said the baby was fine and I needed to take
Tylenol for the fever and rest.
I thought that I was loosing the baby on Wednesday, March 25 when I began cramping and massively bleeding while waiting for my daughter at her class. The
blood went through a maxi pad and changed my blue jeans bright red so quickly. My husband raced to meet me and take me to ER. They checked my cervix and it
was closed and an extensive ultrasound was done. To our relief, our baby was fine and active. It was me that was in poor condition. I had so much internal
pain as though I had been in a car accident and had massive internal injuries. I was so weak and couldn't stand up straight. The pain was so bad I had to
hold onto something and hunch over to just get around. The doctor said that I probably had a sub chorionic hematoma and termed the situation a
"Threatened Miscarriage".
I had the D & E on Tuesday, April 14th after seeing the baby one last time on ultrasound the day before during pre-surgery. The doctor showing me that
ultrasound pointed out two very large blood clots around the baby, and like the other doctor who gave me the terrible news the week before, he said that the
blood clots (from the sub chorionic hematoma) probably cut off the oxygen/blood flow from the placenta thus causing the demise of our baby.
My body is healing, but I am having a difficult time emotionally. I seem to be going through all the stages of grief at once and then shifting between them.
I have to carry on with my life and take care of my other children and many other responsibilities and haven't had much time to think or grieve, but when I
do I feel that I am being crushed from the weight of my sorrow. My husband seems fine about everything and has expressed how sorry he is for me and my loss,
which I find isolating. I feel that it is a loss to both of us and to our family. I also find it difficult to be the only one that feels so incredibly torn
apart by this whole thing. I am feeling so sad and now so stuck. I am wondering why so many babies don't make it during pregnancy (I read 1 in 4) and
find myself almost in awe to see big pregnant women and newborns. It makes me happy for them, but even sadder for me as that is what I thought would be my
situation. My baby was due on October 14th, my husband's birthday. I still have the email updates from a pregnancy website that lists how far along I
would be coming to me and I haven't been able to bring myself to have that turned off, even though logically I know that my baby is gone.
Compounding my difficulty is that I was close to a dying man a few days ago. I was at the beach a few days ago to go snorkeling with my family. While my husband was snorkeling I was taking care of our kids. I saw a couple go into the water and within five minutes the wife was struggling to help her husband who was now face down in the water. The unconscious man was finally brought out by two lifeguards and was placed right next to me and was worked on for over a half hour to get him breathing again. I said a prayer for him and tried to get up and move away, but was stuck and think that I was going into shock. At the same time more and more people were congregating to get a look at what was going on. I had seen too much in my one glance - his blue face covered in white foamy water. I am scared as I see how fragile life is and I am worrying even more that something will happen to my children or to my husband.
I am hoping to find some support and some people who can relate. Usually I am very happy and positive, but I have found that now I am somber and raw. I also have never been statistically average and now for the first time I am. I read that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage - this was my fourth and that if you develop a sub-chorionic hematoma it can go either way. It went in our favor with our second baby and we got her, but not in this case.
This whole thing has been so traumatic even though I believe in God and prayer, have a church with supportive people, and believe that I will see my child again and that our time together is just postponed. I miss my baby terribly. I had never wanted to know this side of pregnancy and here I am. Thank you for providing a place where to get support and talk.
