I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I just need to get this out. I would be due between September 18 and 26 of this year. I don't know if I would be having a girl or a boy. What I do know is: If my body hadn't failed I would have a big belly. My husand would have bought me that "loading...." shirt. I would feel kicking and I would sometimes laugh, sometimes cry, and my husband would get that look on his face as he smiled. We would be painting the room for the crib and stocking up on clothes, diapers, and toys. I would be scared but excited. We would be discussing what name for what gender. I always liked Dorian for a boy, but we would have named him after my husband Carl. If it were a girl? I like Alexandira. We would have picked out the hospital and met with countless doctors and nurses. I wouldn't shy away from my friends with kids because the pain was so bad. I wouldn't cry when I saw a baby heavy TV episode or movie.I can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop hating my body for not being able to do the one thing a female body is suppose to do. My husband got over everything so quickly, but then again he's always been an expert at hiding his feelings. I think about it a lot, and no one else does. The very few people I told and trust this with have forgotten or passed it off. Why? I was only 7 weeks along. It wasn't a long time, some people think. Now, I can't have a baby. All I know is if my body wasn't defective in a little over two months I would be someone's mommy. Now, I can't be.I know there is adoption. However, if you look into adoption to get a baby can be upwards of $20,000 - $30,000. I don't know if we'll ever save that much money at one time. Maybe it's not meant to be, maybe I am not suppose to be a mom. And I can never forgive myself for that.If anyone reads this, thank you. I don't know you and you don't know me, but thank you for taking the time to read through this.